Some nights I'll log on here, and find I don't have enough to say to write a witty, organized blog, so I give up and try distracting myself from the important things in my life - with some insignificant time-killer. Other nights my mind is racing too fast, my typing can't even keep up, and I'm left with fragments of thoughts written down... and I'm just left wondering why the hell I started writing with nothing to say. Well tonight I don't know how I feel, I'm not quite sure what to think of anything, and god damn it I feel like writing about it. So sorry in advance for the lack of organization or relevance that may follow in this silly little blog of mine - it's purely to clear my mind, not for your pleasure or entertainment -
Everything changes when it comes to her. My personality, my motives, my intentions for everything... changes. Your approval... means nothing to me. (Yes, you.) I couldn't give any less of a care about what you think on your spare time of me. Yet - I I find I've been seeking approval from this woman since I was born. Well this is my last chance, as I see it. I've become an adult in the time we've spend hundreds of miles away from each other. I am now to be the ideal first born. The dream child, the one that made that nine months worth it. That's all I'm trying to do. I'm drowning myself, and I'm too embarrassed to show anyone the amount of fear and darting emotions that consume me with this issue. Not only am I to make myself into a pretty perfect show-daughter, I am to have the perfect partner. Lucky for me, I do... and I have no fear over their opinions of who I've chosen to spend my life with. On the other hand, her gender is looked at as a con to the grandparents and close minded people in my family. Introducing her, is me coming out to more than 4/5 of my family. It will most likely all be on the same day, too. Overwhelming, much? No... not at all - (sarcasm, if you couldn't sense it.) My mothers standards are perfection. I will not accept failure - I WILL be the perfect daughter for the week I'm with her in December. But what is perfection when she evolves the meaning of it? Will I ever be able to catch up? What would the perfect daughter look like, behave like at a rehearsal, dress like... what would her mannerisms be like? Her conversation? I'm raking my brain with this! I can't take it. What if I fail? What if I disappoint her, embarrass her? I'm an adult now, I want to be able to do this. I want to be able to strip the anger I have for her and turn all the extreme emotions into motivation to get her approval. More than that, I want her to eventually be proud of me... of what I've made of myself, of who I'm with, what I'm doing in my life. I just want her to show my picture when she shows her people her other to kids. I want to be a part of ....A family. I'm only somewhat parts of fragments of a once-apon-a-time family. I want her to claim me as her daughter, and maybe even one day be proud enough to show me off to her friends - even though it makes me sick to think that might be all she was ever after. You know, I sincerely want to fix this now. I must admit at the very beginning of not sending constant hate mail to my ma, and actually speaking to her - I was in it just to be reconnected with the kids. I guess it got to me, I really want to put down the past and move on - I want my mom back. I want to be a daughter again. I want my family, I want to be the amazing big sister, the perfect daughter. So I really hope this trip is able to put down the past, heal the wounds that would possibly get in the way of rekindling my relationships with the members in my family, and turn a new page in all this. So underneath all the lovely stress of being enough for her, I'm completely excited for my family to meet my beautiful girlfriend. She's perfect, the kids are going to adore this girl. She's hilarious, they'll be begging for repeats of all her jokes and voices the entire trip. My mom will be making corny jokes to try and keep up - I can't wait, haha. - Anywhooooo, wish me luck in my impractical journey on the road to my mothers idea of perfection! Goodnight, world.
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Undone one,
Is standing and shaking and tempted in weakness. He can’t help the thoughts he’s strangled in. But his innocence is in the prayers said by his bedside. I came in and watched him cry, tonight his self control has run dry. Sweet temptation… I know just where you stand, Sweet temptation… Can’t say I understand. But it never really was if it never really began. But once more this temptation proved weaker than the blood in your veins. And so, for one more night, sweet innocence remains. I know you’ve been waiting for the silence for so long. You’ve been hoping and praying for the day to come. Where you find where you belong, where your thoughts aren’t wrong. But you’ll never be right, you’ll never be stripped of these chains And so, for another night, sweet temptation remains. -nikkbird You are my hero because of the battles you face within yourself each and every day. You are the strongest person I've ever come across, and I love you dearly. It’s 3:45am; yes… 3:45 in the fucking morning. I shouldn’t be awake, or even able to function at this hour – but here I am, a victim to my own sleepless unraveling mind. If thoughts take the easiest path when not controlled, and stress is such an overpowering factor in the mind – I guess it makes sense why I am up in the middle of the night debating a budget for the money that has yet to be made; the amount of gas to be put into a car that probably isn’t for sale yet; the mental wars and new challenges that await… but mostly what keeps me up is the voice of reason that suggests the possibility that the beautiful woman laying beside me is not as sure as I, that this is what she wants everlastingly. If so, what will become of me? Of course I’ll get over it, move on, and live thousands more days with a smile on my face, but my life would take a huge sacrifice cut, not to mention the damage to that stupid little thumping thing that decides everything lately in my chest. All I am giving up, and all the trouble I will be taking on – for the chance that a high school romance will last a lifetime – I guess some people would consider it insane… But that look in her eyes, and the way she falls in love with me all over again at times; the electricity through my veins when she touches me, and the overwhelming calmness that comes over me when her body lays intertwined with mine… all of it is so worth any sacrifice, or any hardship a human can handle. I know I am strong. Strong minded; strong willed. Thus, I am limitless. I could go anywhere, do anything, with anyone – and be happy. That in it’s self is a power so little amount of people possess, and its’ strength cannot possibly be measured. I made the mental choice to be happy despite the situation or hardships that come my way, and I have been ever since. No matter where I go, who I’m with, or what obstacles may jump in my way – I will always have that strength, and self respect to stay me and stay strong. This insures me I’ll be just fine to move out in august. Money will be limited, food – perhaps scarce at times, but I’ll fall asleep holding her, with a smile on my face. That girl is my passion. I don’t know how else to explain it. What is something you’re willing to put blood, sweat and tears into; sacrifice anything for; give anything to, and be willing to work for every single day, if not a passion? She’s my lifelong passion. She’s what makes me happiest, and my goal is to marry her. I’m goal oriented, and motivated by the thought of having a family with this girl one day. This is what drives me to move hundreds of miles from any sort of family or long-term friends, to a harder lifestyle with an unpredictable outcome. I am in love, which gives me all the strength in the world – and if the day comes where love is not enough, I still know I’m going to be just fine in the end – no matter what. My only hope is that when that end comes, it’s her who will be lying next to me.
I guess I've always needed the control in my life. Not over others, but over myself, and my own emotions. I fell in love and gave away that control. Giving that power to someone was the highest form of expressing love I could offer. For me it was everything: mental and emotional vulnerability was my strength. Every wall that took me years to build, was shattered the day I fell in love with her. Every... single... one of them. The walls surrounding me protected me, I was strong because nothing could get in and break me down. I let her come in, and break me down. Before her, I was not the person you'd mess with. I was always kind, but I was known for writing people off and "throwing them away". If I was treated poorly, I got revenge and left. With her? My mind completely changed. I had the highest tolerance for anything she did or said. Before, if someone broke a promise to me - all trust was lost. With this girl, any promise she broke - I saw past, and almost ignored. "I love her, it's okay". I constantly said that when asked why I put up with the little constant things she did.
I guess I went too extreme with it (no surprise there) I was true to my personality, and did a 180 degree change, from very distant and detached to such a weak, needy type of person. That's not me. I have always been my own person, strong in who I was and motivated towards my goals. I'm back to myself. I am me, and yet I still love her just the same. Everything is easing up and my heads above water. I can finally relax. Thank god. Can you place yourself in a moment's notice, in my situation? Increasingly you've made me cold and afraid, a lonely companion. Apparently love runs on one way courses, away from contentment. Or maybe there's anger that can't be expressed, that fuels your resentment. If you gave me a chance to show you, would I come back and show you? If you gave me a chance to love you, could I come back and love you? I gave you everything, but I couldn't give enough. Then you threw stones at me and said that they were thrown in love. Save your ammunition for somebody else, I'm all second chances. Nothing's good, nothing's right, but I love you. Another sleepless night; another racing thought; another worthless rant. Well, I guess you could say I've always known I was capable of anything - or so I thought. I gave my all to a girl, who in turn gave me a reality check. Turns out, I can't do anything. I'm not worthy of keeping a girl like her around... obviously. I really did everything I could to show her how much I adored her; how much I loved having her all to myself. I showed her from the beginning she was priority. I broke a heart for her, I supported her in everything positive she did, I helped guide her from the negative. I tried my hardest to motivate her, to embrace her talents to watch her soar. To me, she was an angel. I was intrigued by her, she never stopped amazing me. Each day I'd find new things I loved about her. Honestly, I never knew it was possible to "never get enough of someone"... well, I never could. I always craved the space between us to disappear, even if it was a few inches. I always wanted to be touching her, kissing her, making her smile... anything. I saw forever in her eyes the first night we laid next to each other. I knew I was in love, I felt it. It was so real, the world moved at our pace... the sun only shined as bright as she'd let it. Of course, I'm typing in past tense - but nothing about this is past tense. I've not stopped loving her, even for a moment. I admit, I lost myself in her. I guess I've never fallen in love before, all I knew is I wanted to give her all of me. I guess I never truly had all of her though. Perhaps I'm not enough. I always told her I was out of her league... but the way I treated her was of the best I've ever seen between two human beings. In that, I wanted to believe I deserved her. But it wasn't enough. The hotel rooms; the flowers; the smiles; the kisses; the rushes; the whispers; those words... it's meaning, never enough. Nothing was ever enough I guess. I don't know in which area I faltered. Where did I go wrong? I must have not met her expectations in some way... Why did she desire other women? Why was I not enough? She wouldn't say. All I knew, is this girl has my heart in her hand, and a foot out the door. And the thought of that, makes me shudder. Dad only taught me how to resist love, not how to deal with losing it. But I was strong before, I can be strong again. In the end, this is her wants and her needs... which has always taken priority. If it leaves me in the dust, at least it would be me broken, not her. She'd take my heart with her and I'd never be able to come back to her. That in it's self wold destroy me, but at least she'd be happy. I guess knowing that makes this all easier to bare...
I'm rambling, it's two am. I'm overworked, underslept, running on nothing but energy drinks and adrenalin rushes. Well, the sleeping meds are finally starting to kick in. Woohoo. P.S. I still believe everyone should love hard, if you must love. You don't want to ever regret not doing more, or thinking you could of kept her from walking out that door. If she must leave, let her leave with all of you. But never, ever... look back. Goodnight world. It's like a temporary insanity of some sort. Perhaps even... a disease that spreads. It takes over your mind, emotions, and heart - which in turn controls everything you do. It's like a slavery at its extremes. It has warped my mind and changed me completely. I use to have no patience... I use to not put up with anyones shit. Now, my tolerance is that of a simple minded gold fish with a 3 second memory lapse and a heart of gold. That's what I am, a fucking gold fish. I've gained the biggest tolerance... Give all, expect nothing in return. I've learned that's the only way to win in the end. Oh, and forget the game... because loving someone means a genuine sacrifice of everything - even the games. No more winning and losing anymore, which is what I've based my life on. This is all so new for me. I've learned when you don't expect anything in return, you will never be disappointed. Vulnerability is a gift, and it can be rejected like any thing else, and when it is... you meet weakness. Weakness is a lonely sense of vulnerability. If I'm anything, I'm genuine. For wrong or right, these words are true. I fucking love you... and for once I know what's it's like to give someone all of me.
Here I am frozen in this moment. My body is the last thing from still. The rush of your skin has what it takes to drive me insane… God, I’m falling from grace. But grace never knew such a love as this. I see your face and I swear, I can fly. I kiss you and I’m out of this world. Baby, do you even understand? In your arms I’m living in a perfect world. An ideal state of mind, and a steady heartbeat, is this really happening tonight? Everything slows, every detail of your existence is causing my body to shake; I’m trembling. You give me a fix of my own addiction, and satisfy my cravings before they even surface in my warping mind. My body is burning; my muscles seem to be ripping from my bones. My cells are screaming now, my blood - boiling, my thoughts - racing… girl you’ve got me wild. Another moment and I… Oh my god, I couldn’t possibly bare this rush another second. How can I resist you? You’re everything beautiful in the world. All the pretty little things that make me smile are in your eyes. Tonight you’ve taken hold of me, and I’ve lost every sense of self-control. Take me - take me away… I love the way your body’s’ silhouette moves in the candlelight; the way the music sways your hips when you’re all over me. The look you give when you know you’ve won; the smile that breaks when I’ve had you all night. I love when your body reveals everything you want, and you’re experiencing a loss of words. Breathe, be easy… I’m only here to love you. At last I’m laying in your arms. Hey beautiful, you know it overwhelms me when you give me that look… I’m exploding inside; you’re mine. You’ll whisper in your ear, “You have me forever...” Nothing is said but we’re both wondering, what could ever be better than this moment we’re in right now?
My mind is changing, my hearts intentions have been warped. I see my self changing into someone who is simply caring and completely selfless - even more so then before. The wall that has always kept me from breaking, has been broken. So wow, this is what it takes to start living; to truly start loving. I'm a completely different person since I met her. I'm becoming the person I want to be forever. I love who I am when I'm loving her. Every SINGLE thing I do relates to her some how, some way. My world revolves around her, it truly does. You know, my dream is California, it's the only thing I've ever wanted for myself. California is ...the closest thing to home as I know. It's where I want to end up.. and I want her there right by me. But she's aiming to go to college in South Carolina, and then stay close to home, on the east coast after that. That puts CA out of the picture.... bummer. But I guess it's okay, I'll be happy anywhere as long as she's with me. I exist to make HER dreams come true, to for fill HER fantasies. So South Carolina it is I guess. I have the ability to be happy in any situation, in any place... so I'm not worried about a thing. Anyways, this girl has got me completely love struck... I'm sure everyone's tired of hearing about it ...but I can't stop talking about the girl. She's ....everything. Anyways... I refuse to resort to venting my love to a website haha, so I'll stop here. Until next time, my lovely online journal!
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