I don't know what it is, or quite how to explain it: my dyer need for a rush. A mental, physical, emotional rush - it's my escape in life. What I want to know is... why do I want to escape; what is it I'm trying to escape? Before, it was a need to escape. I'd be intoxicated just to forget the shit that happened... Now my reasons have changed. Is it mere habit, a true addiction, or something else? Women, alcohol, drugs. Give me a rush; challenge me, hook me in. I crave it all. But why? Why is it when things get real easy - I subconsciously seem to go out of my way to fuck everything up? Is it because there is no longer a challenge? Or because I'm afraid of stability? 


She's been nothing but good to me. The fun was getting her. The challenge of seeing a girl hold back and shake at the thought of even accepting any type of affection by a girl. Gah, I loved it. I got a natural high by the fight she put up. I teased and walked away, and watched her follow for two years. I knew she'd always be there, and I'm guilty in admitting I took advantage of that. Two years later, I find my self in an unfamiliar place. No one knows my sexuality, and I see no one around me I want. Suddenly that loyal girl back home starts to look real tempting. I crave love; that mental obsession with another person. I think subconsciously I've always held my self above that sort of ...weakness(?) But sure enough, Nickel does it again. I've got a very strong ability to control my mindsets, and with those mindsets I can do wonders. I convinced myself I was in love with her. I boiled her down to a few questions: Why NOT love her? She's a cute girl, who's been completely loyal, and has been indebted to me since the very beginning. She's a deep thinker with a good heart - So why in the fuck not be in love with her? Bam, I'm in love. Not the classic fairy tale, but what can I say? It wasn't genuine. I move closer to her, she's just my best friend and we work well together. Too bad we were missing the spark. I knew it; I craved it. Now... here comes another girl. She walks in the room I'm in, a few drunk confessions and teasing comments later - and I feel the most confused I ever have been. I felt myself prone to take her up on this challenge. She was straight, beautiful beyond words, and had everything in the world going for her. Ah, my biggest challenge yet! Keep in mind, this was my initial thought process when I first met her. Although I must admit, she intrigued me; I've never known someone to pull my attention like that. Wow. "A first kiss says everything"? My god yes; I fell in love. She told me I was her baby, she said she wanted this Forever - from the first kiss. No way... there was no fucking way I was good enough for this girl. That night I went home battling my own intoxication, striving for a sober thought about anything but her... ha, that proved to be impossible. I dreamt about her every night since. This girl came into my life, and swept me off my feet just as fast as I broke hearts on the path to getting her. "I'm sorry" was something I couldn't stop saying to everyone in my way. No one understood what was happening with me. For someone so logical, I sure wasn't making sense at all. So one broken heart later, I was able to call that beautiful girl mine. She gave me the rush I always chased. This is real, I feel it everywhere. Hello world, meet the new me... Illogical, her happiness - driven, totally selfless and completely out-of-my-mind love struck. 

My mind is spinning. She comes over every night. I think I fall in love every night all over again when I see this girls smile; she lights up my world. Help me, I need to find the logic in this! I need to find my mental strength... I've lost all self control. Help me find myself... I think I've already lost myself in her, and I don't even know if she feels the same... 

Looking back, I guess he was right... He always told me that I had a constant circlular mental track I had to fight, or I'd never find true everlasting happiness. My mindset is my greatest strength and weakness. Those wonderful little mindsets that make me fly above any obstacles in my life, to the mindsets of loosing interest in everything that made me once happiest. Like with my past girlfriend, I enjoyed the battle of getting our relationship to perfection, to a simplistic, mellow, loving relationship. It was a struggle, but it kept me locked in because I loved the challenge. The minute I could see a possibility of my goal being reached, I backed down completely. I lost interest, and ran away. I broke up with her. I knew inside it was all a game to me, and for me to win this game meant to loose it. The only way to win was to get her locked in, and run away when she reached the top. Is it just be being afraid of being there too? Knowing everything that goes up, must come down... and also knowing that "down" could leave me in ruins? Why is it that I need a constant battle, a constant challenge in life? Do I just get bored? Maybe the thing I want most in life, (simplicity), is my biggest intimidation. My father knows me very well, and he knows my circular track... he has it too. The only difference is his is with his career, not relationships. My dad is brilliant, he made himself from nothing at all. He's worked himself up from a drug-addicted teenager, to an independent man making a fair wage and easily supporting his family. But he also experienced these self-sabotaging mind set swings, in his work. He'd fight and fight until he came moments away from making it to the goal he had been fighting to reach his whole working life, and then... he'd sabotage his own career, knock himself down, ruin it somehow for himself permanently. He cant give me an answer when I ask him why he would do such a thing. I offered the explanation that maybe its because he needs to have a challenge everyday, because sitting at the top having the money pile in was not his true idea of success. He still did not have an answer for me. What is it in me, in him that makes this happen? I hate it, I want to fight it, I want to end it. Anyways, after we talked, I sent a text to my girlfriend, Cindy. I was scared, and I told her about this little need to be constantly challenged. She didn't understand, she thought I was saying I would loose interest in her and flee when things got perfect. In a way, I was telling her that was a fear of mine. But I will fight this; I will beat this. This will last as long as I want it to last... nothing; no mindset has control over me 

Nonstop change has become a murderer' of my sanity. It's destroying me. He'll tell me one thing, it affects me greatly. The next morning, he calls informing me he didn't mean what he said. My mindsets are not easily changed. And going from the mindset of independent survival to (once again) clueless, is exhausting. I'm so done with trying to fix this. I'm just on this roller-coaster, and I've learned I cant decide its direction, because the failure will exhaust me. I just am here for the ride. All I can do is close my eyes, hold on tight, and hope for the best.

Most say I go through more than I should. I'm starting to believe the others that claim I brought this on myself. I am lost. Alone, trapped between closing walls of unpredictability. I've always had the confidence of my success. I've always knew to my core - if I tried my hardest, there's not a single thing I couldn't achieve. I guess you could say I've lost that ignorant confidence. I tried, and for the first time in my life - I failed. I feel like I am a good person, inside. But for some reason, by the time it surfaces, there's nothing good to be seen. I've been constantly told "you're a good kid", since I was young. Do 'good kids' get arrested? Do 'good kids' steal, drink till poisoned, and rebel against any form of restraint? I don't think so. Well I've burned every bridge I once treasured. Now I'm left to find my own way. Quitting school, getting a full time job and supporting myself was his genius advice. If I follow that advice, I will be working for minimum wage for the rest of my life. I don't want my life to be a constant struggle. Why is peace so difficult to achieve in my life? Why can't things just be mellow, for once? Well... As of now I'm off on my own, I'm scared, lost, and unsure. I'm either going to make it successfully, or crash miserably in failure. Why? Because I'm extreme, and with me.. theres no in between, no grey. I hope for success but am preparing to fail. 

I'm disappointed, I thought for sure she'd put up for of a fight. How pitiful. Maybe it was a turning point when she saw I had lost complete respect for her, and she realized she no longer intimidated me at all. I called her saying I wanted to come home, the tone in my voice was a tad threatning, you could say... I was fired up, ready to completelly destroy her reputation, and exploit her for all she was and put it in pretty little letters and leave it for the island to read. Someone must of talked her out of it, because she gave up. She's letting me leave, finally. Its sunday night, I leave tuesday night around 10.15pm or so. I couldn't be more estatic. This is going to be great; a house to myself on the jersey shore. I get the girl, I get complete freedom, and its just.. wow. Could life be any better? Yes. Of course it could, if I had the kids with me it would make it perfect. But we cant have everything in life. Also, I'll see them all the time =] So thats good. I just need to be careful, I know myself... and the freedom might get to my head... which is fine in some areas, but I cant let fun take a priority over school. My bags are packed; an all day event, ha. I just can't wait to be with Cindy. She i. Well, its 9:oo. Thats my bedtime xD Goodnight, world.

I don't know when or how it got this bad. I've been told it started when I was 18 months old. I was too young to remember what it was like to have a mother, being a year old. Maybe 18 months old is when I started showing signs of imperfection, maybe thats what turned her away. As much as I hate to admit it, I've always craved my mothers approval. Maybe thats my competitive nature fueling a need for approval because it was a seeminglly imposible standard I felt I had to meet. Well here I am, seventeen years old... I still have never gotten close enough to the idea of the ideal daughter. I'm stubborn, she's self righteous. She's vain and arogant, and I refuse to loose. It feels like I have a circular learning curve with her. I try living with her, only to find myself on a flight home in anger and disappointment. Whether is be maturity, time, or a new mind set, theres always something new that gives me the false-comfort thinking things will be different this time. I've found myself in the same situation once more... and this will be my final time making that mistake. I'm leaving and not coming back. She'll try to stop me, but its in my blood to fight. My only options are victory or death. Counsillers, mediators, therapists, friends, family, spouces, have all thrown up their hands in confusion at our relationship. No amount of talking, crying, or helping can fix us. I've always wanted an amazing relationship with my mother, but sadly I know to my core I'll never have it. Our relationship can be adored from a distance, but when in the mist of living it... It is a complete battle feild, and we've been fighting this war for seventeen years, and we will continue to fight until the day I stand, looking down on her grave...