Another sleepless night; another racing thought; another worthless rant. Well, I guess you could say I've always known I was capable of anything - or so I thought. I gave my all to a girl, who in turn gave me a reality check. Turns out, I can't do anything. I'm not worthy of keeping a girl like her around... obviously. I really did everything I could to show her how much I adored her; how much I loved having her all to myself. I showed her from the beginning she was priority. I broke a heart for her, I supported her in everything positive she did, I helped guide her from the negative. I tried my hardest to motivate her, to embrace her talents to watch her soar. To me, she was an angel. I was intrigued by her, she never stopped amazing me. Each day I'd find new things I loved about her. Honestly, I never knew it was possible to "never get enough of someone"... well, I never could. I always craved the space between us to disappear, even if it was a few inches. I always wanted to be touching her, kissing her, making her smile... anything. I saw forever in her eyes the first night we laid next to each other. I knew I was in love, I felt it. It was so real, the world moved at our pace... the sun only shined as bright as she'd let it. Of course, I'm typing in past tense - but nothing about this is past tense. I've not stopped loving her, even for a moment. I admit, I lost myself in her. I guess I've never fallen in love before, all I knew is I wanted to give her all of me. I guess I never truly had all of her though. Perhaps I'm not enough. I always told her I was out of her league... but the way I treated her was of the best I've ever seen between two human beings. In that, I wanted to believe I deserved her. But it wasn't enough. The hotel rooms; the flowers; the smiles; the kisses; the rushes; the whispers; those words... it's meaning, never enough. Nothing was ever enough I guess. I don't know in which area I faltered. Where did I go wrong? I must have not met her expectations in some way... Why did she desire other women? Why was I not enough? She wouldn't say. All I knew, is this girl has my heart in her hand, and a foot out the door. And the thought of that, makes me shudder. Dad only taught me how to resist love, not how to deal with losing it. But I was strong before, I can be strong again. In the end, this is her wants and her needs... which has always taken priority. If it leaves me in the dust, at least it would be me broken, not her. She'd take my heart with her and I'd never be able to come back to her. That in it's self wold destroy me, but at least she'd be happy. I guess knowing that makes this all easier to bare...
I'm rambling, it's two am. I'm overworked, underslept, running on nothing but energy drinks and adrenalin rushes. Well, the sleeping meds are finally starting to kick in. Woohoo.
P.S. I still believe everyone should love hard, if you must love. You don't want to ever regret not doing more, or thinking you could of kept her from walking out that door. If she must leave, let her leave with all of you. But never, ever... look back. Goodnight world.
