Some nights I'll log on here, and find I don't have enough to say to write a witty, organized blog, so I give up and try distracting myself from the important things in my life - with some insignificant time-killer. Other nights my mind is racing too fast, my typing can't even keep up, and I'm left with fragments of thoughts written down... and I'm just left wondering why the hell I started writing with nothing to say. Well tonight I don't know how I feel, I'm not quite sure what to think of anything, and god damn it I feel like writing about it. So sorry in advance for the lack of organization or relevance that may follow in this silly little blog of mine - it's purely to clear my mind, not for your pleasure or entertainment -
Everything changes when it comes to her. My personality, my motives, my intentions for everything... changes. Your approval... means nothing to me. (Yes, you.) I couldn't give any less of a care about what you think on your spare time of me. Yet - I I find I've been seeking approval from this woman since I was born. Well this is my last chance, as I see it. I've become an adult in the time we've spend hundreds of miles away from each other. I am now to be the ideal first born. The dream child, the one that made that nine months worth it. That's all I'm trying to do. I'm drowning myself, and I'm too embarrassed to show anyone the amount of fear and darting emotions that consume me with this issue. Not only am I to make myself into a pretty perfect show-daughter, I am to have the perfect partner. Lucky for me, I do... and I have no fear over their opinions of who I've chosen to spend my life with. On the other hand, her gender is looked at as a con to the grandparents and close minded people in my family. Introducing her, is me coming out to more than 4/5 of my family. It will most likely all be on the same day, too. Overwhelming, much? No... not at all - (sarcasm, if you couldn't sense it.)
My mothers standards are perfection. I will not accept failure - I WILL be the perfect daughter for the week I'm with her in December. But what is perfection when she evolves the meaning of it? Will I ever be able to catch up? What would the perfect daughter look like, behave like at a rehearsal, dress like... what would her mannerisms be like? Her conversation? I'm raking my brain with this! I can't take it. What if I fail? What if I disappoint her, embarrass her? I'm an adult now, I want to be able to do this. I want to be able to strip the anger I have for her and turn all the extreme emotions into motivation to get her approval. More than that, I want her to eventually be proud of me... of what I've made of myself, of who I'm with, what I'm doing in my life. I just want her to show my picture when she shows her people her other to kids. I want to be a part of ....A family. I'm only somewhat parts of fragments of a once-apon-a-time family. I want her to claim me as her daughter, and maybe even one day be proud enough to show me off to her friends - even though it makes me sick to think that might be all she was ever after.
You know, I sincerely want to fix this now. I must admit at the very beginning of not sending constant hate mail to my ma, and actually speaking to her - I was in it just to be reconnected with the kids. I guess it got to me, I really want to put down the past and move on - I want my mom back. I want to be a daughter again. I want my family, I want to be the amazing big sister, the perfect daughter. So I really hope this trip is able to put down the past, heal the wounds that would possibly get in the way of rekindling my relationships with the members in my family, and turn a new page in all this.
So underneath all the lovely stress of being enough for her, I'm completely excited for my family to meet my beautiful girlfriend. She's perfect, the kids are going to adore this girl. She's hilarious, they'll be begging for repeats of all her jokes and voices the entire trip. My mom will be making corny jokes to try and keep up - I can't wait, haha.
- Anywhooooo, wish me luck in my impractical journey on the road to my mothers idea of perfection!
Goodnight, world.
